Grief Is Not a Lack of FaithSorg er ikke mangel på tro

I've come across it many times.

Someone in the church loses a loved one. Or goes through something hard. And a well-meaning friend says: "You just have to hold on to your faith. Rejoice in the Lord always!"

It's not wrong. But it can do damage if it's said at the wrong time.

When Lazarus died, Jesus went to his grave.

He knew what was going to happen. He knew he would raise him. He had all the power to stop the grief with a single word.

And yet: Jesus wept.

Not because he didn't believe. But because he loved. Because the pain was real. Because he let himself be moved by what moved the people he cared about.

John 11:35 is the shortest verse in the Bible: "Jesus wept."

Grief is not the opposite of faith. It's part of loving something that is passing away.

Rick Warren, the pastor and author behind The Purpose Driven Life, lost his son Matthew to suicide in 2013. Months later he stood up and said:

Loss is inevitable. Pain is inevitable. But grief is a choice. You have to actively choose to enter into it.

And he said something more: "You don't get over grief. You get through it."

That difference is not trivial.

Many of us try to move on without going through it. We push it down. We say it's okay when it isn't. And then we get stuck, because we never allowed ourselves to grieve the loss that shaped us.

The Bible is not afraid of pain.

65 of the 150 Psalms are laments. God's people complained to him, accused him, cried out at him. And God kept every single word.

Psalm 88, one of the darkest in the whole Bible, ends: "You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend." No restoration. No light at the end.

And there's a whole book in the Bible called Lamentations. Five chapters about loss and grief. No easy answers.

To lament to God is not a lack of faith. It's faith, because you're turning to him instead of turning your back on him.

Jesus says in the Sermon on the Mount: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." (Matt 5:4)

Who is comforted? Those who mourn. Not those who hide it. Not those who get through without feeling it.

Grief is God's gift for getting through what would otherwise stay stuck in us. If we avoid it, we stay stuck.

There's a difference between grief and stuck grief.

Grief is natural and healthy. It's the soul's response to loss. It needs space and time and people who dare to sit with it.

Stuck grief is something else. It's when we get stuck, when we can't see any way forward, when life closes in. There, professional help, a psychologist or a doctor, can be God's gift to us. It's not weakness to ask for that help. It's wisdom.

Paul writes that we should "weep with those who weep." (Rom 12:15) That's not wishful thinking. It's a command.

Not: solve the problems. Not: cheer them up with a Bible verse. Just: be there. Weep with them.

Sometimes that's the best we can give one another.

What's your first reaction when someone tells you they're not doing well?

And do you have anyone who just dares to sit with it, without trying to fix it?

Jeg har mødt det mange gange.

En person i kirken mister nogen. Eller gennemgår noget hårdt. Og en velmenende ven siger: "Du skal bare holde fast i troen. Glæd jer altid i Herren!"

Det er ikke forkert. Men det kan gøre skade, hvis det siges på det forkerte tidspunkt.

Da Lazarus døde, gik Jesus hen til hans grav.

Han vidste hvad der skulle ske. Han vidste at han ville oprejse ham. Han havde al magt til at stoppe sorgen med et ord.

Og alligevel: Jesus græd.

Ikke fordi han ikke troede. Men fordi han elskede. Fordi smerten var reel. Fordi han lod sig røre af det, der rørte de mennesker han holdt af.

Johannes 11,35 er Bibelens korteste vers: "Jesus brast i gråd." (1992)

Sorg er ikke det modsatte af tro. Det er en del af at elske noget, der er forgængeligt.

Rick Warren, præsten og forfatteren bag Det målrettede liv, mistede sin søn Matthew til selvmord i 2013. Måneder efter stod han op og sagde:

Tab er uundgåeligt. Smerte er uundgåeligt. Men sorg er et valg. Du skal aktivt vælge at gå ind i den.

Og han sagde noget mere: "Du kommer ikke over sorgen. Du kommer igennem den."

Den forskel er ikke uvæsentlig.

Mange af os forsøger at komme videre uden at gå igennem det. Vi presser det ned. Vi siger det er okay, når det ikke er. Og så sidder vi fast, fordi vi aldrig tillod os selv at sørge over det tab, der formede os.

Bibelen er ikke bange for smerten.

65 af Salmernes 150 salmer er klagesalmer. Guds folk klagede til ham, anklagede ham, råbte af ham. Og Gud bevarede hvert eneste ord.

Salme 88, en af de mørkeste i hele Bibelen, slutter: "Ven og frænde har du taget fra mig, mine bekendte er borte i mørket." (1992) Ingen oprejsning. Ingen lys til sidst.

Og der er en hel bog i Bibelen, der hedder Klagesangene. Fem kapitler om tab og sorg. Ingen nemme svar.

At klage til Gud er ikke mangel på tro. Det er tro, for du henvender dig til ham i stedet for at vende ham ryggen.

Jesus siger i Bjergprædikenen: "Salige er de, som sørger, for de skal trøstes." (Matt 5,4 — 1992)

Hvem trøstes? De der sørger. Ikke de der skjuler det. Ikke de der klarer sig igennem uden at mærke det.

Sorg er Guds gave til at komme igennem det, der ellers sidder fast i os. Hvis vi undgår den, sidder vi fast.

Der er forskel på sorg og fastlåst sorg.

Sorg er naturlig og sund. Den er sjælens reaktion på tab. Den behøver rum og tid og mennesker, der tør sidde med den.

Fastlåst sorg er noget andet. Det er når vi bliver hængende, når vi ikke kan se nogen vej videre, når livet lukker sig. Der kan professionel hjælp, en psykolog eller en læge, være Guds gave til os. Det er ikke svaghed at bede om den hjælp. Det er visdom.

Paulus skriver at vi skal "græde med de grædende." (Rom 12,15 — 1992) Det er ikke ønsketænkning. Det er en befaling.

Ikke: løs problemerne. Ikke: opmuntrer dem med et bibelvers. Bare: vær der. Græd med dem.

Nogle gange er det det bedste vi kan give hinanden.

Hvad er din første reaktion, når nogen fortæller dig at de har det skidt?

Og har du nogen, der bare tør sidde med det, uden at forsøge at fikse det?