I Can't Pray AnymoreJeg kan ikke bede længere

I want to be well.

I've prayed for healing for my hand for many years. I've also laid it on other people and seen God heal them. Afterward I've driven home with my own pain.

I rejoice over what they received. And I still long to be set free myself.

Maybe you know it from something in your own life. You've prayed for the same thing so long that you almost know the prayer by heart. You keep going, but it costs something to hope one more time.

Then someone says: "My grace is sufficient for you."

It's said with care. Even so, it can hurt to hear. Because you asked for something to change, and now it can sound as though you're supposed to settle for doing without it.

I know that thought. There were years when the help to keep going felt like a consolation prize. I was grateful, but mostly preoccupied with what was still missing.

Over time I've begun to notice what I actually have received.

People have carried with me when my own strength ran out. I've been given help to do work that mattered to me, and I've had to learn to receive rest. God has met me through people who let me be honest about how I was doing.

That has been grace. And I'm still in pain.

The two things exist in my life at the same time.

It helps me to read about Jesus in Gethsemane. He asks his Father to take the cup of suffering from him, and at the same time surrenders to his Father's will. He says openly what he wants. In the middle of the struggle he's given strength for what lies ahead. You can read it in Luke 22:42-43.

Jesus's suffering has a particular meaning. That story gives us no grounds for saying that God wants our pain. But Jesus shows us that we may come to God with what we long for, even when the surrender is hard.

Paul also prayed to be free of what he called his thorn in the flesh. He tells us he prayed three times, and that he received an answer about God's grace and power in the midst of his helplessness. He doesn't write that the thorn disappeared. It's in 2 Corinthians 12:8-9.

I keep praying for healing. A time of waiting is not in itself a no, and my story doesn't decide what God will do in your life.

At the same time I'm practising a prayer:

"God, help me to receive what you're giving me now, while I still hope for more."

That prayer makes room for the help I need today.

What has helped you in a season where you were still waiting for an answer? Maybe there was a person, or a few words, that made a difference.

These questions are part of my forthcoming book, God in the Dark — words for the days when God seems silent. I write about living with faith, pain and questions that haven't yet been answered.

Want to know when the book comes out? Join the waiting list: https://bog.vikingpastor.com

Jeg vil gerne være rask.

Jeg har bedt om helbredelse for min hånd i mange år. Jeg har også lagt den på andre mennesker og set Gud helbrede dem. Bagefter er jeg kørt hjem med mine egne smerter.

Jeg glæder mig over det, de har fået. Og jeg længes stadig efter selv at blive fri.

Måske kender du det fra noget i dit eget liv. Du har bedt om den samme ting så længe, at du næsten kan bønnen udenad. Du bliver ved, men det koster noget at håbe én gang til.

Så siger nogen: »Guds nåde er nok for dig.«

Det er sagt med omsorg. Alligevel kan det gøre ondt at høre. For du bad om, at noget skulle ændre sig, og nu kan det lyde, som om du skal indstille dig på at undvære det.

Jeg kender den tanke. Der var år, hvor hjælpen til at fortsætte føltes som en trøstepræmie. Jeg var taknemmelig, men mest optaget af det, der stadig manglede.

Med tiden er jeg begyndt at få øje på, hvad jeg faktisk har fået.

Mennesker har båret med, når mine egne kræfter slap op. Jeg har fået hjælp til at løse opgaver, som betød noget for mig, og jeg har måttet lære at tage imod hvile. Gud har mødt mig gennem mennesker, der gav mig lov til at være ærlig om, hvordan jeg havde det.

Det har været nåde. Og jeg har stadig ondt.

De 2 ting findes i mit liv på samme tid.

Det hjælper mig at læse om Jesus i Getsemane. Han beder sin Far om at tage lidelsens bæger fra ham og overgiver sig samtidig til sin Fars vilje. Han siger åbent, hvad han ønsker. Midt i kampen får han styrke til det, der ligger foran ham. Det kan du læse i Lukas 22,42-43.

Jesu lidelse har en særlig betydning. Den fortælling giver os ikke grundlag for at sige, at Gud ønsker vores smerte. Men Jesus viser os, at vi må komme til Gud med det, vi længes efter, også når overgivelsen er svær.

Paulus bad også om at blive fri for det, han kaldte sin torn i kødet. Han fortæller, at han bad 3 gange, og at han fik svar om Guds nåde og kraft midt i sin magtesløshed. Han skriver ikke, at tornen forsvandt. Det står i 2. Korintherbrev 12,8-9.

Jeg bliver ved med at bede om helbredelse. En ventetid er ikke i sig selv et nej, og min historie afgør ikke, hvad Gud vil gøre i dit liv.

Samtidig øver jeg mig i at bede:

»Gud, hjælp mig til at tage imod det, du giver mig nu, mens jeg stadig håber på mere.«

Den bøn giver plads til den hjælp, jeg har brug for i dag.

Hvad har hjulpet dig i en periode, hvor du stadig ventede på svar? Måske var der et menneske eller nogle ord, der gjorde en forskel.

Disse spørgsmål er en del af min kommende bog, Gud i Mørket — ord til de dage, hvor Gud synes tavs. Jeg skriver om at leve med tro, smerte og spørgsmål, der endnu ikke har fået svar.

Vil du have besked, når bogen udkommer? Skriv dig på ventelisten: https://bog.vikingpastor.com